Okay, buckle up: I found my sweet, church-lady grandmother’s hidden stash of love letters… and they were boring as hell. No, seriously. I was expecting faded parchment dripping with poetic longing, maybe some scandalous wartime passion, or at least a “Yours until the stars lose their shine, my dearest Beatrice.” What I got? A meticulous … Read more
Okay, real talk: My phone just hit me with the “STORAGE FULL” notification again. You know the one. That digital equivalent of a passive-aggressive roommate sighing while pointing at your overflowing closet. It’s mocking me. Judging my 4,327 screenshots of memes I’ll never send, 87 near-identical sunset pics, and approximately 1.5 million photos of my … Read more
Okay, picture this: It’s 7:03 AM. My alarm, set for 6:15, is currently laughing at me from the floor where I hurled it twenty minutes ago. My hair? Let’s just say it’s achieved a level of ‘sentient bedhead’ usually reserved for cartoon characters struck by lightning. I’m doing that frantic one-legged hop dance trying to … Read more
And Why Your Brain is Begging for This Shit Look, I wasn’t just having bad mornings. I WAS a bad morning.A walking, talking, coffee-stained embodiment of existential dread wrapped in yesterday’s sweatpants. My pre-8 AM life wasn’t a routine; it was a hostage situation broadcast live from the warzone of my nervous system. Picture this, … Read more
My morning was so spectacularly terrible, I considered becoming a hermit and communicating only via angry emojis. I’m talking spilled coffee down my white shirt before 7 AM. I’m talking my cat deciding my laptop keyboard was the perfect place to cough up a hairball. I’m talking realizing I’d worn two subtly different black shoes … Read more
Or: How a Shattered Screen Saved My Soul from Digital Zombiehood Let me paint you a picture: I’m standing in a Target parking lot at 11 PM, soaked in cold sweat and the fluorescent glow of a malfunctioning streetlight, cradling my smartphone like a dying animal. Its once-pristine screen is now a spiderweb of destruction, … Read more
Why I’m Glad I Lost That Job (And What I Found Instead) Or: How Getting Fired Over a Rubber Chicken Led Me to My Actual Purpose Let me set the scene: I was sobbing into a burrito bowl in my car while rain lashed the windshield, mascara streaking my face like a sad raccoon warrior. … Read more
Or: How Faceplanting in Front of 200 People Became My Superpower Look, I wouldn’t describe myself as “brave.” Brave is firefighters running into burning buildings. Brave is telling your barista their name spelling is wildly incorrect. Me? I used to get heart palpitations ordering pizza over the phone. My idea of courage was wearing slightly … Read more
The Day My PowerPoint Apocalypse Got Me Promoted (No, Seriously) Look, I’ve made some questionable life choices. I once tried to cut my own bangs during a Zoom meeting (mute button was my only savior). I dated a guy solely because his dog had a perpetually judgmental face that made me laugh. But my absolute … Read more