Look, I know what you’re thinking: “This lunatic pays for bread just to cremate it?”Guilty as charged. Every single morning, without fail, I stand by my toaster like a pyromaniac at a bonfire party, deliberately turning perfectly good sourdough into something resembling volcanic rock. And honestly? It’s the best decision I make all day. Let’s … Read more
Confession: Last Tuesday, I texted my group chat a photo of a slightly less wilted houseplant with the caption: “POV: YOU’RE LOOKING AT THE CEO OF NOT KILLING A FICUS!! 🥳🎉” Five minutes later, my friends showed up at my door with a $3.99 grocery store cake that said “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, STEPHANIE!” (my name’s Chloe) … Read more
Let’s rip off the Band-Aid: My parents’ divorce was finalized over burnt toast. Seriously. Mom threw a plate (aim: questionable). Dad retaliated by “accidentally” incinerating breakfast. The smoke alarm screamed like a banshee. And 13-year-old me sat frozen at the kitchen table, clutching a cereal spoon like a tiny sword, wondering if I could trade … Read more
Let’s cut to the chase: My little brother superglued a fake parking ticket to my windshield… with my own face photoshopped onto a wanted poster. The caption? “WANTED: For Crimes Against Fashion & Basic Human Decency.” I found it at 7:45 AM, coffee-less, already late for a job interview. My scream echoed through three zip … Read more
(Spoiler: It Involved a Flying Jell-O Mold) Okay, deep breath: Last Thanksgiving, my aunt Carol threw a lime-green Jell-O mold at my dad’s head. It missed (bless her terrible aim), exploded against a 1970s oil painting of sad clowns, and triggered a screaming match so epic, the neighbors called the cops thinking we were filming … Read more
Okay, buckle up: I found my sweet, church-lady grandmother’s hidden stash of love letters… and they were boring as hell. No, seriously. I was expecting faded parchment dripping with poetic longing, maybe some scandalous wartime passion, or at least a “Yours until the stars lose their shine, my dearest Beatrice.” What I got? A meticulous … Read more
Okay, real talk: My phone just hit me with the “STORAGE FULL” notification again. You know the one. That digital equivalent of a passive-aggressive roommate sighing while pointing at your overflowing closet. It’s mocking me. Judging my 4,327 screenshots of memes I’ll never send, 87 near-identical sunset pics, and approximately 1.5 million photos of my … Read more
Okay, picture this: It’s 7:03 AM. My alarm, set for 6:15, is currently laughing at me from the floor where I hurled it twenty minutes ago. My hair? Let’s just say it’s achieved a level of ‘sentient bedhead’ usually reserved for cartoon characters struck by lightning. I’m doing that frantic one-legged hop dance trying to … Read more
And Why Your Brain is Begging for This Shit Look, I wasn’t just having bad mornings. I WAS a bad morning.A walking, talking, coffee-stained embodiment of existential dread wrapped in yesterday’s sweatpants. My pre-8 AM life wasn’t a routine; it was a hostage situation broadcast live from the warzone of my nervous system. Picture this, … Read more
My morning was so spectacularly terrible, I considered becoming a hermit and communicating only via angry emojis. I’m talking spilled coffee down my white shirt before 7 AM. I’m talking my cat deciding my laptop keyboard was the perfect place to cough up a hairball. I’m talking realizing I’d worn two subtly different black shoes … Read more